the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I want her autograph on my taint
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
