No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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