You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
