it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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