Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
