I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
