I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
