Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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