I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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