My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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