I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hippo gnu deer
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
