Soap is not a condiment
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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