I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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