I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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