see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize