What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
