Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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