Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He has the fingertips of a God
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