HIV tests are more positive than that guy
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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