Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
