Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize