When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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