Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
