So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
