i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
