i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
