I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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