I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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