just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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