White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
