and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
