Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
