you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
