I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Houston, we have a squirter
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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