Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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