you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
