this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
