okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
