Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's never too late to be topless.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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