Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
