I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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