He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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