You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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