my soul wont recognize me after tonight
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I did not marry a roomba.
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