Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
