i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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