Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
