You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We need to rekindle our bromance
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
