is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
