And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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