I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
