When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
