I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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