P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
