We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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