You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize