My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
