Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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