I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
