my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
